Let Me Inspire You to Smash Your Head In

You know what makes a rainy day super sunny, a sad day cheery chirpy and the cloud of cynicism that constantly surrounds my heart want to soar, unbridled onto the wings of happiness?

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES. 

I just love them so much. So much. I can't get enough of them. I've stopped reading anything else and I recently threw away my kindle, because who needs books when you have 10 letter blurbs of fascinating human insight that explain everything you'll ever need to know about life? I don't know who creates them, but whoever they are they are the visionaries of a joy-filled life.

Okay, okay. I jest. I'd rather stuff my face into the pits of 10 sweaty men than read this crap. Most of the time they are incoherent thoughts and the result of D minus photo-shopping, font selection and people trying to be philosophers who don't even know what philosophy is. They are also the same people who claim to buy art from Bed Bath and Beyond.

Here are a few of my absolute favs.

Is anyone else confused or is just me? I was waiting for the follow up. If life doesn't mean anything, than how is that beautiful? And if the existence of life is beyond meaning, then I can therefore assume that my own life is about as essential as a pile of poo. Or am I just suppose to get inspired by the creepy overgrown shack in the background of a pixelated corn field?

I feel like people think they are really creative and insightful when they make these. But they're not.  And just because people like it on Facebook doesn't mean they actually understood it. In fact, I'm not sure anyone would get this. I got the part about not depending on other people up until it went all "your shadow's leaving you forever and darkness is upon you." I was also wondering where they drew their visual inspiration from. Then I was like, OF COURSE!

Because what's more inspiring than a reference to a bunch of people being sewn together by a sadistic killer?

Moving on to our next offense.

Blah blah bah. I get it. You're in love and you're tying the knot. And even though 50 percent of you will end up getting divorced, at least you'll always have fond memories of blowing love oxygen down each other's throats and exhaling not CO2, but your souls, spiritually joined at the hip. You know, the way the "ancient lovers" did.

I guess I'm just not spiritual enough to experience this. I guess I'm usually just thinking, "hey dude, thanks for fucking remembering your breath mint." I'm too busy concentrating on us locking lips to think about his soul leaping down my wind pipe to passionately velcro itself to my own.