For the Love of Chastity Belts

I read an article recently about the Abstinence Education Reallocation Act, which on Valentine's Day this year sought $550 million dollars to provide teens with 5 years of abstinence only education. Yeah, that's what I said. So put away your vaginas and your pee-pees  kiddos and keeps it in your pants because  there's a better way to spend your raging hormonal youth. Because let's be frank. Who wants to spend their teen years playing Ten Minutes in the Closet or getting naked with your crush from 5th period gym? And who really wants to get a handy in the bathroom at prom or -- god forbid --have sex with someone hot? NOT I.

I'm so glad that the adults of this world have figured this out, I really have. Because I really think when your parents tell you something during your teens, all you want to do is pull up a plush throw pillow and gaze into their curfew-enforcing eyes, soaking in their wisdom. And if the government wants kids to stop having sex? Well, even better. Because I think we all know from the days of Prohibition that making something illegal just makes you want to do it even less.

Anyhew, so back to this non-sex act of awesomeness. The bill calls for a focus on the "holistic health, economic, and societal benefits that can be gained by refraining from non-marital sexual activity." So essentially, eat a lot of granola, drink kombucha (not Keystone Light behind the 7-11) and don't to go parties. Ever. Unless they are supervised by a parent, preferably sitting in the middle of your circle of friends mediating the conversation to make sure that it is non-sexual and super wholesome and fun. And if you feel the conversation lagging, parents are encouraged to hold up flash cards with thought-starters such as "the benefit of turtlenecks" or "why slow-dancing is the doom of civilization."

Also, make sure that when you do give away your precious flower (or de-flower someone else) that both you perennials are married and have never engaged in inappropriate behavior including but not limited to boob grazing and thigh massages. You'll be so happy that you chose to abstain from these "risky and often aggressive sexual behaviors" because sex will only last one minute and if it's the saddest sex that ever occurred on earth your ignorance will be blissful. So pluck up that courage. Be strong young grasshoppers. And if when the moment comes (no pun intended) and you don't know how to put on a condom--who cares? CONDOM SHMONDOM.

You have a whole lifetime of abstinence to celebrate!