Sad Men Deem Tattoed Women as Whores

Ladies, do you have tattoos? More than four piercings? If you do, according to some ignorant 23-year old dude called "Karamazov" living in the suburbs of Philly, you will never be approved by society or respected by men. He goes on to explain that when you have ANY tattoo at all, "you will lower your social value by having one and limit your choice of potential suitors."


In his blog, he uses the below visual to show the true misogynist that he is. Karamazov explains that any man who "gushes" that your tattoos are sexy is only doing so because of cultural pressures. Inside, he's just congratulating himself on his luck that he stumbled upon a woman who's going to open her legs like it's her job.

 

 It's clear from this article that Karamazov is a sad, sad boy with a lot of uninformed, ignorant opinions. It was also hysterical to read his verbosely blundering post in which he completely misused words in a failed attempt to sound more intelligent.

Karamazov sites one of the main reasons that "all men" hates tattoos is because it's where another man marked you.

"When you go to a parlor and hop in a chair for some greaseball to stick a needle in you and play kindergarten doodle on your skin, you’re lending him a level of familiarity over you. Does this fall under the category of what the mainstream media calls “jealous men calling normal things cheating?” Yes. Does that make us wrong? No. A man has marked you and you will always carry his handiwork. What if you wore a necklace that another man gave you in the presence of your boyfriend or husband?"

#1 - You are not always being tattooed by a man. Despite what your uniformed self may believe, there are plenty of female tattoo artists and they are damn talented. Take the badass Amanda Wachob, Margaret Moose, Kat Von D, and Michelle Myles to name a few.

#2 Who the fuck is playing kindergarten doodle? Do you even know what a good tattoo looks like? Do you know ANYTHING about art? As with every art, (the same way there are many chefs but not all of them make food you want to swallow) there are good and bad tattoo artists. But the good ones are so incredibly talented it is awing. They are also often painters, sculptors and the like.

#3 Getting a tattoo by a man is not any different than you getting your hair cut by a woman. Should women start saying things like "take off your haircut you dick, stop letting that bitch mark you with her handiwork?" No. Physical self-expression is an art, and those whose who execute it are the artists. Their gender is irrelevant.

#4 Tattoos are not a mark. They are not a man branding you. They are an an expression of your story. And any man who argues otherwise is lashing out from his own insecurities.

It's clear to me that this Karamazov knows NOTHING about tattoos. He dubs each and ever one of them all "trashy" after all. And while I concur that the Winnie the Pooh tattoos and the badly-done tribals aren't indicative of good taste, you clearly haven't seen beautiful tattoos. So I've shared some.

Perhaps the funniest part of the article (and the part where I realized this kid really is the dimmest bulb on the circuit) was where he said "TATTOOS WERE PRIMARILY A SYMBOL OF PROSTITUTES."(Gasp!)

"It’s long been a calling card of “women of the night.” It's always been traced to excessively erotic displays and the selling of one's body in Western Culture. People who deny this deny the reality around them. A woman with ink is an easy lay compared to her clean-skinned counterpart. They don’t call them tramp-stamps for nothing."

Alright dude, I'm going to give your tiny mind a little history lesson. Tattooing has a deep-rooted history in cultures around the world, from the Polynesians to the body art of Ancient Egypt.  In the early 1890s, King George V got a tattoo of the Cross of Jerusalem while visiting the middle east, and royals across the world swiftly followed this exotic, decorative art.

Above: Maud Waggner, the first known female tattoo artist in the U.S circa 1911

Tattoos become popularized in Western Culture during the Victorian Era not by "big ass hoes of the night" but by those in high society. Women began commissioning beautiful tattoos, and even Winston Churchill's mother had a serpent on her wrist. It was seen as a feminist gesture, women taking control of their bodies in a society where they had little control elsewhere. Female tattoos remained popular throughout the 20s, but died off during The Great Depression and World War II. They regained popularity with the feminist movement of the 1970s, a time when women finally began standing up for contraception and abortion rights.

Elizabeth Weinzerl, 1961: A Doctor's wife who began getting tattooed at age 47. 

Today, tattooing is rich in a variety of styles that stem from all corner's of it's history--from traditional, to realist to Japanese and the experimental painted-like brush strokes of artists like Amanda Wachob. And yes, more women than ever are getting them. Maybe that's what Karamazov can't handle. The control.

One of the most evident parts of his piece is where he explains: "I know I didn’t disrespect women with tats until I dated one.  She also turned out to be quite the skank." 

Can I get a slow clap? Dude, really? A woman's fidelity and her tattoos have zero correlation. You don't get your first tattoo and suddenly get struck with Sharing Vagina Disease. You don't suddenly feel an impulse to traverse the country with your legs open, waving a sign for everyone and anyone to enter you. If this dude's girlfriend slept around, blaming it on her tattoos is just plain funny. That would be like me saying I never realized how much I disrespected men with goatees until I dated one and they cheated me, and I realized it was all because of the goatee.

The blog concludes with a caveat for women with or preparing to get tattoos:

"We will never respect you for having one. You will lower your social value by having one and limit your choice of potential suitors."
OH MY GOD WHERE IS A LASER?! I MUST REMOVE ALL MY TATTOOS IMMEDIATELY!!

Oh man oh man. I happen to really enjoy my tattoos. All 9 of them. I think they are a lovely self-expression of the people who have touched me in my life and the events that have shaped me.
And any man who thinks he has a right to judge or label you based on the way you physically express yourself is a sad sack of shit.

Here's the best part: Karamazov thinks women having tattoos will limit their choice of potential suitors and he's right. Why? Because we don't have to date people like you! Yes. It gives us a smaller, more selective pool of men of actual worth, so we can toss out the misogynists and the controlling men and leave them for the women who want a GPS in their asshole and a chaperone for a boyfriend.

Let Me Inspire You to Smash Your Head In

You know what makes a rainy day super sunny, a sad day cheery chirpy and the cloud of cynicism that constantly surrounds my heart want to soar, unbridled onto the wings of happiness?

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES. 

I just love them so much. So much. I can't get enough of them. I've stopped reading anything else and I recently threw away my kindle, because who needs books when you have 10 letter blurbs of fascinating human insight that explain everything you'll ever need to know about life? I don't know who creates them, but whoever they are they are the visionaries of a joy-filled life.

Okay, okay. I jest. I'd rather stuff my face into the pits of 10 sweaty men than read this crap. Most of the time they are incoherent thoughts and the result of D minus photo-shopping, font selection and people trying to be philosophers who don't even know what philosophy is. They are also the same people who claim to buy art from Bed Bath and Beyond.

Here are a few of my absolute favs.

Is anyone else confused or is just me? I was waiting for the follow up. If life doesn't mean anything, than how is that beautiful? And if the existence of life is beyond meaning, then I can therefore assume that my own life is about as essential as a pile of poo. Or am I just suppose to get inspired by the creepy overgrown shack in the background of a pixelated corn field?

I feel like people think they are really creative and insightful when they make these. But they're not.  And just because people like it on Facebook doesn't mean they actually understood it. In fact, I'm not sure anyone would get this. I got the part about not depending on other people up until it went all "your shadow's leaving you forever and darkness is upon you." I was also wondering where they drew their visual inspiration from. Then I was like, OF COURSE!

Because what's more inspiring than a reference to a bunch of people being sewn together by a sadistic killer?

Moving on to our next offense.

Blah blah bah. I get it. You're in love and you're tying the knot. And even though 50 percent of you will end up getting divorced, at least you'll always have fond memories of blowing love oxygen down each other's throats and exhaling not CO2, but your souls, spiritually joined at the hip. You know, the way the "ancient lovers" did.

I guess I'm just not spiritual enough to experience this. I guess I'm usually just thinking, "hey dude, thanks for fucking remembering your breath mint." I'm too busy concentrating on us locking lips to think about his soul leaping down my wind pipe to passionately velcro itself to my own.

For the Love of Chastity Belts

I read an article recently about the Abstinence Education Reallocation Act, which on Valentine's Day this year sought $550 million dollars to provide teens with 5 years of abstinence only education. Yeah, that's what I said. So put away your vaginas and your pee-pees  kiddos and keeps it in your pants because  there's a better way to spend your raging hormonal youth. Because let's be frank. Who wants to spend their teen years playing Ten Minutes in the Closet or getting naked with your crush from 5th period gym? And who really wants to get a handy in the bathroom at prom or -- god forbid --have sex with someone hot? NOT I.

I'm so glad that the adults of this world have figured this out, I really have. Because I really think when your parents tell you something during your teens, all you want to do is pull up a plush throw pillow and gaze into their curfew-enforcing eyes, soaking in their wisdom. And if the government wants kids to stop having sex? Well, even better. Because I think we all know from the days of Prohibition that making something illegal just makes you want to do it even less.

Anyhew, so back to this non-sex act of awesomeness. The bill calls for a focus on the "holistic health, economic, and societal benefits that can be gained by refraining from non-marital sexual activity." So essentially, eat a lot of granola, drink kombucha (not Keystone Light behind the 7-11) and don't to go parties. Ever. Unless they are supervised by a parent, preferably sitting in the middle of your circle of friends mediating the conversation to make sure that it is non-sexual and super wholesome and fun. And if you feel the conversation lagging, parents are encouraged to hold up flash cards with thought-starters such as "the benefit of turtlenecks" or "why slow-dancing is the doom of civilization."

Also, make sure that when you do give away your precious flower (or de-flower someone else) that both you perennials are married and have never engaged in inappropriate behavior including but not limited to boob grazing and thigh massages. You'll be so happy that you chose to abstain from these "risky and often aggressive sexual behaviors" because sex will only last one minute and if it's the saddest sex that ever occurred on earth your ignorance will be blissful. So pluck up that courage. Be strong young grasshoppers. And if when the moment comes (no pun intended) and you don't know how to put on a condom--who cares? CONDOM SHMONDOM.

You have a whole lifetime of abstinence to celebrate!

Kim is Not a Loveseat

By now, you've probably all heard the sofa joke. I know I have. It's been popping up all over my Facebook, mainly by people who I can imagine have nothing better to do with their time than to hate on a pregnant lady who's just trying to have a good time at a gala where she can't drink. Yes, Kim Kardashian wore a very bold Givenchy floral dress to the Met's 2013 Gala. Yes, we have also seen sofas in our time with flowers on them, probably in our grandmother's living room.

Big fucking deal.

I keep seeing posts like "Kim your stylist must really hate you" or "you're just asking for it." It disgusts me to see the way not just the media, but even women are ganging up on her. Here is a woman whose body is going through an incredible amount of change as she grows another life inside her own. That's right. SHE'S GROWING A FUCKING LIFE INSIDE HER BODY.

WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?

Oh that's right. You photo-shopped Kim's head onto a couch and then compared her to a whale.

What's even more alarming, however, is this blatant animosity of women who aren't a size zero. And clearly for some media outlets, it's becoming a pattern. Take TMZ for example, who in the past three months have made mocked fuller-figured women and their floral wardrobe choices.

 "This is the perfect look for a busy mom-to-be, as it sleeps two comfortably." Seriously?

And only three months earlier, they posted this....

Let's not just mock Adele's outfit, let's also point out the fact that we think she is a giant shapeless blob. Nice. I'd also like to point out that both of these posts were written by a man, who clearly is a gem of a dude.

Honestly, I think both of these women look fantastic. I dig the floral. Every magazine keeps telling us it's in now, RIGHT? I'm pretty sure I've even read that it's "impossible to go wrong with this trend." But clearly, according to TMZ and most of the media world, this trend should be avoided by anyone not a size zero and anyone having a baby. So essentially, if your body shape is not comparable to that of say, a vapor of air, stay away from the florals and stick to friendlier fabrics sucks as black tarps and hooded tents.

Got that?

What is a Sourpussy?

As a person with a vagina, I have given myself myself the autonomous gift of redefining words which relate to them. So here we go. A Sourpussy, which has commonly been confused with the definition given so eloquently by the intelligent folk at so slang.com, is not a "pussy that has gone sour from not being pounded." I know. You're surprised. Amazingly, a woman's vagina does not "go off" without her "enzymes being mixed up from a good pounding."

No, in fact a Sourpussy is a reiteration of the word sourpuss, used to describe grumpy people who are chronic complainers. Synonyms include but are not limited to whiner, grumbler, faultfinder, curmudgeon, spoil sport and the commonly used party pooper. Antonyms include happy camper, optimist and pretty much every who posts inspirational quotes on Facebook.

So what does that mean for this blog? And more importantly, what does it mean for you? Well, if you are looking for an inspiring read about cupcakes, babies, sprinkles or kittens--wait hold that, there might be some cats involved in these posts--anyway, you must just want to read something else. It's not that I complain about everything. I just enjoy, as my British father says--"taking the piss out of everything." And perhaps, if you have a touch of mischief in your heart you might just find that it brings you some twisted daily joy.

So I'll just spare you and say this ahead of time: You're welcome.